This blog post – the top 10 annoying people at the airport – is a homage to every single person who has had to hold it together when faced with one of these people. It’s a fact – people get pretty out of control at the airport – I don’t know if it’s the excitement of their impending holiday or the stress of the security queues, but we’ve all witnessed this frankly unacceptable-in-any-other-environment behaviour. Hell, I’ve even been the annoying one in my time!
1. The Infrequent Flyer
You can spot them a mile off. They’re laden with papers; boarding passes, copy of the email confirmation, print outs of the entire terms and conditions of their travel insurance – you name it, they’ve printed it. You’ll often find them faffing, whether it’s in the queue, at security when trying to attempt to scan their passport, or at the gate when they’ve tried to bring a full-sized suitcase on as hold luggage.
2. The Frequent Flyer
How do you tell? They’re often suited and can be seen with a permanent look of distain on their faces. They can’t hide their eye role when The Infrequent Flyer decides to unpack their toiletries into a clear bag at the last possible opportunity. They come prepared. The Frequent Flyer has clear plastic bags at home. They don’t arrive the suggested 2 hours early – they arrive at the last point and drift to their gate with ease – without even needing to look at the gate number. They have all gate numbers memorised after all.
3. The Scared Flyer
They are pale, timid shells of their former selves. They don’t enjoy the lead up to their holiday, and they certainly don’t enjoy the time they spend in the airport beforehand. Whilst other holidaymakers busy themselves looking in shops and eating, The Scared Flyer couldn’t possibly eat, shop, be seen to enjoy themselves in any way or even take a mere sip of water.
4. The Late Flyer
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been that person once, my organised mind finds admitting that very hard. Maybe they got stuck in traffic, maybe they’re just super unorganised, either way, they’re panting, sweaty and emotionally unbalanced. They’ll push past all the other people who were able to actually arrive on time, they’ll breeze through security whilst all the other chumps queue patiently and then they’ll Usain Bolt style run towards the gate like a scene out of Home Alone.
5. The Unacceptably Dressed Person
They’re going on holiday, they want to be comfortable, they’re, er, they’re wearing pyjamas. They swan through the airport, shunning the stray looks from their fully-dressed airport companions. And guess what? Their suitcases are packed full of very questionable loungewear – the type of loungewear that should never be seen outside of, well, the lounge. The best thing? They do, not, care.
6. The Seat Hogger
It’s the height of summer holiday, the airport is unacceptably packed and someone has decided that not only does their bag need a seat, but so does their phone, iPad, magazine, food.. the list goes on. The problem? We’re British, and the mere notion of asking another human being to move their possessions is utterly preposterous to us. So what do we do? We stand, stare and conjure up all the witty one-liners we’d surely say to them if we weren’t so, British.
7. The First Ones At The Gate
You’ll hear them asking at bag drop what gate they may be at, just so they can place themselves near it. Person at bag drop doesn’t know? Well, then they’ll just have to stand in front of the departures board for a full hour, unblinking, awaiting the arrival of their aircraft. The screen flashes and they’re off; they’re not just walking, they’ve got a light jog on. They arrive at the gate and stand proudly, passports at the ready, for a good 45 minutes, before then sitting on the plane for another 45 minutes.
8. The Delayed Flyer
They’re delayed and don’t we know it. You’ll see them tapping their feet furiously around the departure board, glancing around for anyone else who looks mildly agitated that they can speak to. They spot one and make a beeline. Like a lion stalking its prey, they pounce with a nonchalant ‘Are you on the 7.55 to Faro, too?’ and it’s as simple as that. By the time the delayed flight has arrived, the passengers have formed a friendship bound by a deep, deep hatred.
9. The Stag/Hen Party
How will you spot them? It’s 6am and they’re hammered, the bride/groom is dressed as the arse end of a cow and has already been sick twice. It’s likely that they’ll be wearing t-shirts with nicknames that are highly inappropriate for adults to read, let alone all of the children flitting around the airport and they’ll most probably be chanting. What can you do? Pray. Pray to God that they’re not on the 7.55 to Faro!
10. The People That Stand On The Moving Walkways
They’re easy to spot, obviously – not just because they’re standing on something that has been built specifically to make you walk faster, but because there’s an angry mob stuck behind them. Someone may attempt to squeeze their body around them only to become stuck in some sort of moving walkway duel. Let me tell you, there’s no winner in a moving walkway duel. What can you do? Pick them up and physically throw them onto the non-moving walkway where they belong – it’s for the greater good.